Oh, it feels really great having access to the Internet again. I've been deprived for the last two weeks from checking my mail, updating my blog, downloading new music, researching film and theatre, and watching illegally downloaded films to youtube. I'm really hungry for lunch, but I do want to update here before I eat a nice sandwich made by myself.

I've got this problem where I mentally feel like I'm going to get sick and then my throat tenses up and even gags sometimes. For the longest time, it worried me, but now it's just pissing me off. A lot of people have encouraged me to "just force yourself to get sick." Ma even told me that she would have been in the bathroom with her finger down her throat if she felt like I did. I'm tired of hearing people tell me what to do, especially since the thing they want me to do is why I'm worried. But then again I've been afraid of a lot of things in life: giving blood, throat cultures, getting sick, worrying myself to death, ect. but I'm tired of running. It really feels like I'm running. For once, I really should stand up and face my fears. But I don't have to, because I have the choice. Maybe I should just drink a lot one night and then by morning I won't be afraid of getting sick anymore, I'll only be afraid of what happened the night before. It's kind of childish to be afraid of something as small as getting sick. Oh well, whatever happens will happen.

I bought the John Cassavetes film collection last December and a few months ago, I finally reached the opportunity to watch his first feature entitled "Shadows." I don't really know what I thought about it. I caught the storyline comparison to jazz, and how it's cut artistically and improvised heavily in rehearsals for a coherent scripted scene. Last week I watched his next film "Faces." Watching it for the first time was tough, because there's not really a clear plot to Faces. The closest thing I apprehended from it was that it was an insight to married life and the constant struggles expressed through emotions. Cassavetes expressed his interest of using the camera like a microscope and looking through characters to really see the inner self that they normally try and hide. EVERYONE holds certain things inside. Cassavetes says that through making the film, the actors had to pull those things out and confront them. When you think about it, if you never surface these hidden feelings, then they hold you back and you'll never really know who you are. Cassavetes pulled things out of himself when he devised the script and the actors had to as well when portraying the roles. Basically the moral is to be honest. Although many people will argue that honesty is bad. It feels good to be honest, because there's nothing holding you still. Everything is out in the open. And so the second time I watched faces, I understood more what the film is for. It's just as much for the person watching than entertainment. Well, a few days ago, I saw one of his later films called, "Opening Night." This film literally blew me away. I mean, I was in awe every minute of the film. The film expressed much of the same in Faces, where the inner self produces constant struggles and it's important to confront those struggles. In reality, couples love, they fight, they laugh, they sing, they drink, they lie, they watch movies, they talk, and they confront themselves. Opening Night has a collaboration of both film and theatre. I cannot express how much theatre people talk down about film, and film people talk down about theatre. Can it be possible for both sets of people to put their opinions aside and accept the fact that while they're separate mediums, it's not possible to try and be better than the other. and that it's possible for film and theatre to coexist together.

Well, enough about Cassavetes and back to me. I want to make films, but getting out and doing it is the key part and at the same time really intimidating. It truly is what has held me back from making Kaleidoscope and other short projects, but it's about time I do something about it. Everyone around me can encourage me as much as they want, but I'm the one who has to get up and get out there to do it. And so, I've got a project in mind. I'm not saying much, because I don't want to jinx myself. If I have learned anything, it is not to talk about anything until I'm close to finishing it. And so, all I'm saying is that for the past few days, I have been brainstorming and writing out things to get my blood flowing. It's challenging, but if it wasn't then I wouldn't enjoy it. The trip back to Barnesville really got me going again. I've got locations, I've got actors, I've got a camera, it's just me who has to pull it all together and do it. Well let me tell you, I'm doing it!