I worried a lot today...

It's the first day back and I'm already in the middle of a largest conspiracy ever: my mind. While in Florida a few weeks ago, I felt overheated and like I was going to get sick. A few weeks after that I felt it again. This was the Charlie Chaplin VS Buster Keaton night. And now today it has reemerged into existence. It wasn't as bad like the others, but today this morning I awoke feeling great, and this continued until realizing that my court date (this Thursday) is the same date of the trip I have planned with Dad and the group. My stomach turned. Not because it was the same date, but because I knew it came to the point where Lynn would find out about the speeding ticket. You know, if I had as much confidence as I have fear in her, then I'd be a pretty sturdy person mentally. Well, I called dad and told him. I felt bad, because I was now laying this in lap to worry about also. He now had to find a way to make it look like he didn't know. He said that he'd think about it. A few minutes later, I called him back and told him I felt bad about the whole thing and wanted Lynn to find out and didn't want to bring him down with me, so I wanted to accept responsibility for my own actions and fess up. He said that sounded good and that he needed to go. I hung up the phone and a few minutes later, the phone rang again. This time it was Dad, but with a screaming Lynn in the background. "Tell him that he's not welcome in this house!" That's one out of the many sayings I could make out from her rant. Dad insisted that I try and get another court date. He told me to call Amy's mom and ask what I could do to get the date changed. I agreed to and hung up the phone. This is when I started feeling worse. Maybe it was the IHOP for breakfast, or the coffee, or the worrying, or the constant excuses I continue to ponder about. I chose not to call Amy's mom, because A) she has a tennis match today and I wouldn't even think about interrupting her day off to bother with an annoying law question, and B) I don't want to give her the power she always takes. Let's look at it like this: she demands I do this, and by not doing it, I'm just accepting the fact that I'm stepping away from control. Well, I did look on the Atlanta Court website and found that you need to mail a letter asking for a alteration of a court date 2 days before the date. I then started thinking if I send a letter tomorrow, then it probably won't get there on time, and I'll have no way of knowing if it cleared or not. Besides, I waited until the last minute like always, so I should accept responsibility and just go with what I can. Dad said that I could drive down to St. Simon's by myself, which I'm fine with. But he said to call tomorrow and ask if I can fax a letter to the Clerk's office and do so tomorrow. I feel like it's something that I have to do that I don't want to do. It's all so much pressure to deal with. After I got off the phone with Lynn screaming on the phone, I began feeling sick like the other times. Worrying is what upsets my stomach to the point where I feel sick. When I'm in this condition, I have no knowledge of what stress-free means. And so I sat down and began writing. This way I was verbally vomiting, which I hoped would help. The feeling somewhat went away, but I still felt the tension inside. It's so easy for others when they tell me not to worry. I think mainly because the more I try not thinking about something, the more it's being emphasized. I wrote a poem and a short story from my worrying. They don't really make sense and I could care less if their good or shitty. Maybe the best writing is that which is therapeutic rather than attempting creative expression. But what do I know? I'm the one who can't control myself not to worry about something. It's pointless to continue bantering about this subject.

All I know is that the saying, "Worrying yourself sick" definitely is not a myth. I also once heard that every second anyone spends worrying is a second taken away from life. If this is true, then my date is coming up soon. Hopefully before Thursday. Just kidding.